Wednesday, August 28, 2013

on loss.

there seems to be a theme in my life lately.

beckoning me to pay it attention, grapple with it's ramifications, make peace with it's lessons.

whether it is through the sermons at church, my own personal readings, the tragedies that plague our world and our news...
loss seems to be all around me.

reminding me of its presence in life.

reminding me that it is as inevitable as all the breaths i have taken before.

reminding me that the grief it brings is fierce.

and reminding me that the moment it arrives, i will not be forsaken to walk with it alone.

this love that God has given me for my children is the closest i have ever felt to His love.
i am overwhelmed at how our God loves us, 
for even my human love for my children is completely consuming.

there are times when i have been afraid that grief from the loss of one of my own would crush me to the point of no return.

that my heart would be ripped out, never to find its way home to joy and peace and hope.

i have feared that i would be completely overcome.

that i would not be able to move.

that i would be shaken to my absolute core.

that a heaviness would fall on me and i would struggle for each breath.

that i too would perish, from a broken heart.

and then i read about Job.

immediately after hearing that all of his sons and daughters were killed by a "mighty wind" crushing their dwelling place,
he "tore his rob, shaved his head and then fell to the ground to worship,
'naked i came from my mother's womb,
and naked i will depart.
the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away,
may the name of the Lord be praised."

and i know.

i know that not for a moment will He forsake me.

not for a moment will He leave me alone with my grief. 

"you were singing in the dark
and whispering your promise
even when i could not hear
i was held in your arms
carried for a thousand miles to show
not for a moment, did you forsake me."

and then last night, as even my dreams were accompanied by this experience of loss.

of tragedy.

of grief.

a song started playing (i play music throughout the night for my babies).
i woke out of deep sleep and my heart started to worship.
my soul started to resonate with the truths.

"When all the world is blossoming
When everything around is bursting into life
And I don't have to strain to hear the beat of Your heart

When all the world is under fire
and the skies are threatening to thunder and rain
And I am overcome by fears that I can't see

If everything is Yours
Everything is Yours
If everything is Yours
I'm letting it go
No it was never mine to hold

No, never mine"

God has allowed me the experience of love.

the experience of Him through being a mother.

through being a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend.

God is holding them in His Hands.

they were never mine to hold in the first place.

so with open hands, i will love.

just as fiercely as ever.

and with open hands, i will grieve deeply through any and every loss that may come my way.

and with open hands, i will praise the Lord who gives and takes away.

with open hands...

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