Wednesday, August 13, 2014


It is both a blessing

And a curse

To feel everything

So very deeply.


i am, at my core, a feeler. i have always been able to identify my feelings pretty accurately...and have never shied away from being well acquainted with them, lingering in them for times, allowing them to teach me...i enjoy being introspective. i am an introvert by nature, so sitting alone with my feelings from time to time is crucial. it is here that i am able to get to know myself deeper.

it has been difficult to find the time or emotional energy to sit with the bouquet of feelings that have graced my heart since having Ellis. they are so real, so raw, so intense, and so varied, that i can easily get carried away by the beauty of them. not all of the feelings are easy to feel, but still so very necessary...just as each thread contributes to the strength of a woven blanket.

so yes, i am choosing to feel all the feelings.

i have never felt more certain and content than i do in the moments with Ellis asleep on my chest. this is exactly where i am supposed to be. this is the role i would choose over and over to fill. i am her mama, and she is my child. and together we will grow as two separate souls whose hearts learned to beat together.

i feel alive and free and playful as i watch my first three babies get lost in an imaginary world together. they remind me to pay attention to the innocence and creativity within myself. to stop and enjoy a moment of pretend. to be filled with wonder and awe as we all discover this world together.

i sometimes feel uneasy and weary as i think of things i wish i could do differently. or as i reflect on little moments in my days that i wish i could do over. and then i feel such grace and comfort and security when my Tobin comes and curls up in my lap without any intention of leaving,
or when ricky and i linger in a hug as if we are the only two people in the world.
when Madden melts into me after feeling his own big feelings, knowing i am a safe place to express.
when Kale brings me a flower that he has picked and tells me i'm beautiful.
when Ellis ceases to cry the minute she is in my arms.

i am sad and tearful at times when i think back to each of my babies in the first few weeks of meeting them. sad that those sweet moments and memories have been lived. acutely aware of how fleeting this life really is, with a new resolve birthed deep within to treasure and hold dear each and every moment i am given with my four. i sometimes beg for time to stand still, but know in my soul that the best is yet to come.

i feel serene and relaxed in my own mama skin...more confident than ever, in who i most naturally am as a mother. having this fourth little soul confirms yet again that being a mama is the most natural thing in the world for me. it isn't forced or contrived. knowing how to meet Ellis's needs is as much a part of me as knowing how to breath or sleep or laugh. and i am incredibly at peace here...caring for and listening to my new baby.

i feel incredibly tender, and satisfied. the amount of unconditional love that is poured over me each and every day is more than i can fully grasp and far greater than what i deserve. the gratefulness that i feel is incredibly humbling...for there is nothing i could have done, to earn such love in my life. i linger here most often, for it is out of the love i receive each and every day, that i am inspired to grow and learn and change.

i am feeling all of these and so much more.


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