Wednesday, January 15, 2014

i had no clue what i was signing up for...

(( i took these pics in our back yard shortly before agreeing to get their hair cut.
i most definitely cried :) ))


mama.

the one word that carries with it the deepest part of my heart on its whisper.

the one word that changed me to my core. my essence.

many women spend hours upon hours preparing, desiring, hoping...planning to become a mother.

but this wasn't the case for me.
while motherhood had always been in my soul, i thought it still far off in my future.
i was in the newness of a budding romance, knee deep in graduate school and working two part-time jobs...trying to get my life back on track after several dark years of doubt and aimless wandering.

little did i know that God had such perfect plans knocking at the door of my heart.

little did i know, that motherhood was ready for me...and she came at the most perfect time.

when i became a mother, i had no clue what i was signing up for...

i had no clue that i would be completely swept off my feet by a love greater than i had ever known before.

or that i would begin to feel everything as if i was feeling it for the very first time.

i had no clue that i would wake up several times every night afterwards just to peek in on my little ones...to lay my hand on their chest so i could feel the slow rise and fall of each breath...that i would whisper prayers and songs over them before returning to sleep.

i had no clue that i was signing up to be challenged daily in the most significant of ways to be selfless beyond what is humanly possible...
and that i would want to be. even though it is the hardest thing i have ever done and it doesn't always feel good.
or that i would want so fiercely to be pruned and sharpened...for my love to be perfected into complete selflessness.

i had no clue that i could have so much fun watching little ones play and discover and learn.

that i would gain more pleasure from being at home with them than anything else the world could use to allure me away. even though that means financial sacrifice and doing more with less.

i had no clue that when i signed up to be a mother, that i would want to be with them all. the. time.
and that i would worry when they were under someone else's care.
would that someone else be as patient and gentle?
would they notice what their heart needs beyond what their behavior says?
would they take to time to listen? to really listen? ...and respond?

i had no clue that i would be this comfortable in my "mother skin."
that being a mom would be the first time i would feel that i was exactly where i was supposed to be...doing exactly what i was supposed to be doing.

i had no clue that i would become a fighter. that my non-confrontational tendencies would fall by the wayside when it came to protecting my cubs. and that i would stop worrying about what other people thought about me.

that i would look at my children every single day and realize how perfect and beautiful grace is.
because i have done absolutely nothing worthy enough to deserve their love...to deserve their lives to be intertwined with mine.


this has always been a favorite passage of mine on love.
on love for my God...for my husband...for my children...
and as my love grows through each new season of life, i am humbled. deeply and gratefully humbled.


“When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. 
And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. 
And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth......



But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, 

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.



Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.


Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: 

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.”
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon's hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide, with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."
- Kahlil Gibran, Le Proph├Ęte



linking up with casey.

2 comments:

  1. I loved every bit of this. So beautiful. I'm right there with you -- I never anticipated this, motherhood. At least not when I received it. And ever since becoming a mother, every moment has been more beautiful than the last.

    This was my favorite line, "that i would look at my children every single day and realize how perfect and beautiful grace is. because i have done absolutely nothing worthy enough to deserve their love...to deserve their lives to be intertwined with mine."

    So amazing. Thank you for sharing your heart. So glad I found you through Casey. ~Jenna

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    1. Jenna! I am so so glad you stopped by and thank you so much for your sweet words!! Being a mama is such an honor and incredibly humbling! :) ~ K

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