Thursday, August 22, 2013

the beginnings of a family. part 2.

you can read part 1, here.

the test was positive.
i sat, stunned. 
excited and terrified and ashamed.

i experienced the most unique combination of emotions.
sheer joy was accompanied by guilt for feeling that joy.
excitement was accompanied by fear of what people were going to think.
the feeling of being complete was accompanied by intense loneliness.

i was a mom, and yet by the standards of my faith, i was not yet supposed to be.

you see, my husband and i are both christians, although imperfect in our faith.
and i had been raised in a wonderful, faith-inspiring, conservative, traditional family.
growing up in the church, this was one of the worst things.
while having a baby unmarried seems perfectly acceptable by the world's standards, it was not by mine.

people sin all the time, but becoming pregnant unmarried exposed those choices.
it brings some of those sins into the light.

we went the first 12 weeks without telling a soul.
i went to my first doctors appointment alone, since ricky was in school in another city and couldn't get away.
i fell in love with my baby instantly.
hearing his heartbeat caused overwhelming emotion to flood my heart and completely sweep me off my feet.
in that moment, i feared nothing.

i knew that before we told people, we would need to first figure out what in the world we were going to do:
would we get married now? or later?
would we both finish school? continue living in separate cities?
how in the world would we be able to afford this?
neither of us with full time jobs and students loans growing by the second?

i also knew i needed to fully grapple with all of the lies that come in the form of shame.
i found myself thinking that my baby was punishment.
that i should not be happy or excited or rejoice in this life.
that people would think differently of me now.

and then one day, as clear as day, i heard hope and grace spoken over my heart and soul.
this baby, this life was not a consequence.
he was my picture of grace.
he was my picture of beauty coming from ashes.
he was my picture of all things working for good for those who love God.
he was my picture of forgiveness and love.
he was my picture of all that is wonderful...even when i don't deserve it.

from that moment on, i walked forward and never looked back.

we told our families and friends.

received more grace and love than i ever expected or dreamed possible.
a testimony of what God's people are supposed to love like.
without judgement or condemnation.

we got married when i was sixteen weeks pregnant and trusted God with all the details.

our wedding was planned in three weeks and i would not change a thing about it.

our life as a family began.

two became one, a husband and wife.

and they became a family.

(( part 3 coming tomorrow ))


  1. The thing I take first and foremost from the Bible is God's acceptance of us, who we are right here and now, and how we are forbidden to judge. So even if we sin or err or our neighbors do, we are not supposed to judge. I think it is wonderful you have a growing family, regardless of when your child was born :)

    1. Yes!! I love this and find so much joy in accepting people exactly where they are in this moment in time. His heart is so beautiful to me in this.

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