a hospital stay.

my husband and i often find ourselves sitting on our couch after all the babies are tucked in and sleeping soundly, sharing about all the things that we see in our children.
the qualities that we admire, the character that is developing.
they strength that they embody and the gifts that fill us with pride and hope.

we love these little people more than life, yes, but there's more. we admire them.
we respect their growth and are inspired by their resiliency.
we are challenged by their innocence and convicted by their faith.
we are encouraged by their unwavering hope and ability to hold on to peace.
their bravery continually astounds us.

on wednesday night, our oldest started to have a mild asthma flare up. by early thursday morning it was clear that the flare up was becoming more than we could manage at home. a trip to the ER turned into a 36 hour hospital stay in order to get Kale back to where he needed to be to come home.

while i hated to see his health compromised, and my mama heart hurt for him more than words can say, i was filled with gratitude for a son who is clearly a fighter. who is determined to stay positive and choose bravery and courage over fear and anxiety.

and the silver lining of all was the sweetest 36 hour window with just me and my boy. we ordered all of his favorite foods, worked our way through an entire spiderman activity book, built a rocketship to fly around the room, played countless rounds of tic-tac-toe and snuggled up to the coziness of disney marathons.

i am incredibly thankful for the person that Kale is.
and for his health and his character and his spirit. he is truly one of my favorites of all time.

xx

memory blogger.

every so often, I find myself wanting to evaluate all the different things that I invest time into. And blogging happens to be one of those things. I feel like I have taken a bit of a blogging sabbatical over the last few weeks and months…somewhat due to the readjustment period that takes place with a new baby in the home, and largely due to the fact that I didn’t have access to a computer for the majority of that time. And let’s be honest, I don’t think I will ever be able to blog on my phone! ;)

Having the forced time off, allowed me to really step back and look at the place blogging has in my life...and even to identify the genre of blogging that i feel i fall into. 

the answers actually hit me one late afternoon. everyone was up from their naps and those few crazy hours before bedtime were in full swing. dinner needed to be prepped and made, all four of my kiddos were needing my attention in some form or fashion, baths for two were already in the works as they just walked in all muddy from playing outside…multitasking is the name of the game these days! (I’m pretty sure at one point I was nursing Ellis in the sling, while giving baths, and running back and forth to check on dinner.)

I have whole-heartedly embraced the “fullness” that this season of life brings...and on this particular day, in the midst of all the chaos, I found myself lost in my own dreamy thoughts about each of my kids. I was planning on doing one of my “portraits” posts later that night, so I began to pinpoint something about each of my kids that I wanted to record.

something I wanted to savor and be able to look back on for years to come. 

something that would trigger the sweetest of memories, causing emotion and remembrance to come flooding back to me. 

and that is when it hit me, I don’t only love to record and think on these things as something for the future…they are just as much for me now, in this present season. 

a form of “stopping to smell the flowers.”

instead of dwelling on that feeling of drowning that seems to creep in from time to time (because even though dinner was being made, my baby was being held close and fed, and my boys were getting clean, there was a sink full of dishes, a playroom that looked like the Tasmanian devil had come to play, and I’m pretty sure not one bed had been made for the day. ha.), I found myself focusing on all of the good.

thinking about and identifying what I wanted to remember for years to come, was my own way of stopping amidst the grind of daily life and “smelling the flowers.”

a life saving practice for me in this season.

not only is blogging my own little way of capturing memories for years to come, but it is a practice that encourages me to pause in my present and highlight the joys, the hope, the overflowing love that surrounds me every moment of every day. 

to carve out windows of gratitude. moments of honoring the lives and growth of the people dearest to my heart.

I blogged privately for two full years before delving into the whole “public” blog realm. I talk about making the switch a little over here. making the switch for me wasn’t about growing a big blog to make money, or gain recognition, or have a lot of followers ;) … although there is definitely nothing wrong with those being reasons to blog!…they just simply weren’t and aren’t mine.

I want to hold onto the reasons blogging is still good for me and finding a place in my life…making that switch from a private blog, was simply done with the hope and willingness that something I write or share, may encourage another…that it may bring joy or hope into someone’s day…that they too may choose as often as possible, to stop and smell the roses.

so simply put, I am a memory blogger through and through. 

if something makes its way onto these pages, it is because there is a nugget there that brings joy and hope to my life in the present...and that I want to remember in the days to come.

whether that is simply pictures, a recipe we currently enjoy, or a heart-felt post about my babies…it is all done with the intent of remembering.

remembering so that i might constantly rejoice in the goodness of my God. 

a playlist.

music is the language of the soul.

"all deep things are song. it seems somehow, the very central essence of us, song; as if all the rest were but wrappages and hulls."

thomas carlyle.

throughout each of my natural deliveries, listening to music has been central to my experience.

i have listened to very different playlists throughout each labor, and i somehow land on the playlist that i labor to several weeks out from delivery.

as the time to usher my baby into our arms draws near, i usually start listening to music every night as i drift off to sleep.

and during those nights, i end up forming a list of songs that speak to me. that i am able to draw strength and peace from. that sing truth over me. 

i was asked by several people to share the music that i listened to while laboring with ellis, so i thought i would share it here.

each song holds such dear, sacred memories for me.

enjoy.

xoxo.

a beginning. a new life. a birth story.

// photos and video by emma j photo //

i struggle with knowing how to write a birth story. on one hand, it is one of those human experiences that can only be experienced and felt, a testament to the realization once again of one being truly alive. and on the other hand, it is begging to be articulated...so that others may bear witness to God's perfect sovereignty. and so that i may be transported back to the memories for years to come.

here i sit, listening to the playlist that i labored to, trying to articulate an experience that is other worldly...entirely intoxicating to me.

a song. a smell. so many little reminders can transport me back to the night that her journey began. to the morning and moments surrounding her birth. surrounding my birth as a mama yet again. the memories start to stir and swell until i am consumed by a rush of pure love.

i wrote over here a little about the waiting period for ellis. her perfect time was not until i was 42 weeks pregnant and there were some days that i had to wrestle with anxiousness as i anticipated her arrival. and now that the wait is over, there are times that i miss being pregnant. that i miss her being a part of me and having my body filled, literally, with life. with a new beginning, comes the end of something...the end of knowing her in my womb, is the beginning of knowing her as an entity separate from me. she is my heart, forever walking outside my body.

this is the beginning of witnessing her beautiful, enlightened, spiritual life. i am so honored to be hers.

the very first signs of true labor started to show themselves in the afternoon hours of the sunday before my 42 week appointment. i knew deep in my heart that i was having those true contractions that i had waited so long to feel...and yet they were sporadic and pretty spread out. i simply started to let ricky know when they came so that we could start to track them. and other than that, i went on with my day as normal...cared for our boys, laughed with my mom and emma, shared the sweetest glances with ricky, where we told each other so much without saying a word. we knew. we knew in our hearts that we were about to meet our girl.

around 7:00p.m., the contractions started to pick up in their frequency, showing a slight pattern, but still nothing to get super excited about. slow and steady seemed to be the name of the game. after putting the boys to bed, we watched a few episodes of the Mindy Project and then i decided to go take the first of many baths that i would take throughout the night. contractions were averaging around four minutes apart, so at 11:00 i txted my midwife just to give her a heads up. her response, "its baby day!" she encouraged me to try to get some rest and to let her know when i would like her to come.

from 11:00p.m. to 6:00a.m, i alternated between taking warm baths, standing and swaying beside my bed, and laying on my side with ricky lightly scratching my back through contractions. at times, i was able to drift off to sleep in the minutes between contractions. it was beautiful. some of the most sacred moments of my life. the house was still and quiet...everyone was at peace and resting.

music is a powerful worship experience for me. as is childbirth. so it only makes sense that for me, they would go hand in hand. i had a playlist prepared prior to labor that i would listen to and pray though before going to sleep each night. i listened to this playlist, along with the entire Bethel music, Tides album. I'm pretty sure I listened to Oceans by Hillsong, and For the Cross by Bethel Music easily 15 times each. being in such a worshipful state of mind, allowed for my heart, my soul, my mind and my body to remain calm and at peace.

by 6:00 a.m., my contractions were still spaced the same, but definitely picking up in intensity. i txted my midwives that i was ready for them to come and they arrived around 7:00 a.m. ricky began filling the birth pool. the house was beginning to stir so the boys came in to say hi, all while the morning light poured into our bedroom. i smiled as i had secretly wanted the final stages of my labor and delivery to take place in the morning light, one of my most favorite times of the day.

i decided to have my midwife check me at this point (the first time i was checked throughout my entire pregnancy.), and while we were all a bit concerned that i would barely be dilated, i was actually dilated to a 7 at this point. we laughed because my labor had been relatively slow and very manageable, so i didn't even really think any progress was happening. my heart rejoiced because i knew we were close. so very close to welcoming her into our arms.

at this point, i spent most of the time in the birthing pool. while i have had two prior natural births, this was my first in the water...and i would do it in the water every. single. time. i LOVED it! my contractions were still spaced pretty far, never really coming close like i anticipated they would...her birth was so different form my others in this regard. my water had also not broken, so we continued to wait and labor peacefully. my midwife prefers not to ever break the water, but after a few strong contractions, and being dilated to a 9/9.5, we decided to go ahead and break my water. my body started to push on the very next contraction. (ricky had actually stepped out of the room to do something with the boys, so they ran to get him real quick!)

while time stands still for me throughout the entire birth, it most definitely does while i am pushing. it is the most amazing out of body experience. i remember having a single moment of panic when i felt the intensity of the surges and thought back to my other pushing experiences (all were 1.5 - 2 hours long). i had to gear myself up, thinking this one would be just as long. i wasn't sure what position my body would be drawn to push in, but it quickly made up its mind on its own, as i found myself on my knees at the side of the pool, buried in ricky's arms. these surges felt so much stronger to me, and we would later realize why. ellis had her little hand up by her face, making for a slightly more intense pushing session. but after 20 glorious minutes, i delivered my girl and pulled her to my chest, as pure ecstasy rushed over me.

this moment right here is my favorite part of natural childbirth. it is purely delicious. the rush of hormones and emotions are intoxicating. i melted into it. allowed the moment to consume me. she was in my arms. this beautiful soul that i have know in my heart forever was looking into my eyes. our connection was electric, instant, so very strong.

this. this right here is the beauty found in the midst of and through pain. this is the joy that comes from sharing in suffering. this is the love that will inspire you to sacrifice everything. the depth of the pain, matches the depth of the love and joy. it is truly addicting and draws me into a more intimate depth with my God. on its deepest level, childbirth is spiritual. and i am humbled and grateful most in this moment, to experience it.

the rest of the day was purely magical, as has every day been since this soul was given to us earth side.

// our birth video //

feelings.

It is both a blessing

And a curse

To feel everything

So very deeply.

d.j.

i am, at my core, a feeler. i have always been able to identify my feelings pretty accurately...and have never shied away from being well acquainted with them, lingering in them for times, allowing them to teach me...i enjoy being introspective. i am an introvert by nature, so sitting alone with my feelings from time to time is crucial. it is here that i am able to get to know myself deeper.

it has been difficult to find the time or emotional energy to sit with the bouquet of feelings that have graced my heart since having Ellis. they are so real, so raw, so intense, and so varied, that i can easily get carried away by the beauty of them. not all of the feelings are easy to feel, but still so very necessary...just as each thread contributes to the strength of a woven blanket.

so yes, i am choosing to feel all the feelings.

i have never felt more certain and content than i do in the moments with Ellis asleep on my chest. this is exactly where i am supposed to be. this is the role i would choose over and over to fill. i am her mama, and she is my child. and together we will grow as two separate souls whose hearts learned to beat together.

i feel alive and free and playful as i watch my first three babies get lost in an imaginary world together. they remind me to pay attention to the innocence and creativity within myself. to stop and enjoy a moment of pretend. to be filled with wonder and awe as we all discover this world together.

i sometimes feel uneasy and weary as i think of things i wish i could do differently. or as i reflect on little moments in my days that i wish i could do over. and then i feel such grace and comfort and security when my Tobin comes and curls up in my lap without any intention of leaving,
or when ricky and i linger in a hug as if we are the only two people in the world.
when Madden melts into me after feeling his own big feelings, knowing i am a safe place to express.
when Kale brings me a flower that he has picked and tells me i'm beautiful.
when Ellis ceases to cry the minute she is in my arms.

i am sad and tearful at times when i think back to each of my babies in the first few weeks of meeting them. sad that those sweet moments and memories have been lived. acutely aware of how fleeting this life really is, with a new resolve birthed deep within to treasure and hold dear each and every moment i am given with my four. i sometimes beg for time to stand still, but know in my soul that the best is yet to come.

i feel serene and relaxed in my own mama skin...more confident than ever, in who i most naturally am as a mother. having this fourth little soul confirms yet again that being a mama is the most natural thing in the world for me. it isn't forced or contrived. knowing how to meet Ellis's needs is as much a part of me as knowing how to breath or sleep or laugh. and i am incredibly at peace here...caring for and listening to my new baby.

i feel incredibly tender, and satisfied. the amount of unconditional love that is poured over me each and every day is more than i can fully grasp and far greater than what i deserve. the gratefulness that i feel is incredibly humbling...for there is nothing i could have done, to earn such love in my life. i linger here most often, for it is out of the love i receive each and every day, that i am inspired to grow and learn and change.

i am feeling all of these and so much more.

xo.

the wait.

"wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"

psalm 27:14

"to all the mamas who are waiting patiently (and sometimes anxiously) for labor to begin: remember that this is your first act of selflessness as a mother. there will be many more. but for now this acceptance of your child's unique journey, this willingness to trust your baby, will set the tone for your future relationship." 

l. curtis

it almost seems silly to want to write about the waiting period we walked as Ellis did not come until 42 weeks. especially when there are many, many others who are "waiting" for desires within their heart to come to fruition for months, years, even lifetimes. in the grand scheme of things, waiting those last few weeks for a person who has been in your heart forever, doesn't seem that significant. and at the same time, for a mother who is waiting to meet the heart that has been beating within her for the first time, even a day can seem like an eternity, tempting you to become anxious and impatient.

even though due dates are extremely arbitrary, we as mamas can tend to set our little hearts on meeting our baby sometime very close to that date. and the pressure sure is on once that date rolls around and there is still no baby. especially in a culture where inductions and scheduled c-sections result in a large number of babies being born before, on, or right after that due date. family, friends, even complete strangers seem to be watching you like a pot of water waiting to boil. a part of me started to feel anxious and sad...as if i was somehow disappointing people by not performing on time and just having that baby already. even our new neighbors (who we do not know well at all), asked several times why we weren't inducing yet. i, however, was prepared to go as long as my baby needed...even though this meant a few days and nights of wrestling with anxiousness and impatience...

ever so gently, the Lord would draw me away for some soulful time of prayer and meditation...a sweet time with Him, to remind me of His perfect, sovereign ways...of the fact that patient expectation leads to blessing...he reminded me that when we praise Him in our waiting, He gives us the continued strength to keep going. i would sit in these moments and talk to my girl, letting her know that i was ready for her, whenever God decided for that to be. peace would wash over me and a renewed resolve to wait another day would be planted in my heart.

when Ellis came, it was immediately clear that she had come at her perfect, pre-ordained time. even my midwives, who look at different things like the way her ears and hands bend, the wrinkles on her feet and the amount of vernix on her skin, remarked that she wasn't an "overdue" baby at all, but was just on time.

i am thankful for the lesson of patience that was pressed further into my heart...and for the sweet blessing that followed.

our journey to choosing a home birth.

** this is 100% my own personal experience, a glimpse into my journey...and i will only be touching the very surface of all that is wrapped up into this topic and experience for me. i think that each and every way a sweet baby comes into this world is a miracle and entirely beautiful.

childbirth is an experience that has obviously been present throughout time and in every culture and society. it is a beautiful act of enduring suffering and sacrifice so that life can be birthed. over the years, i have become enamored with this life-changing act and my relationship with it as a woman has evolved through each of my own birth experiences.

five years ago, i was preparing for the birth of my first child. i was in school full time, working two jobs and traveling back and forth between two cities to be with ricky as much as possible (he was in school full time as well, but in a different city.) to say there was a lot going on in my life would be an understatement. i was distracted; easily influenced by the current medical model for childbirth. while i though the idea of natural childbirth sounded great, i entered into the experience completely naive and without much resolve.

so, my first birth: induced for no real medical reason at 40 weeks and six days. on pitocin. had an epidural. pushed for two and a half hours. baby born with the assistance of a vacuum and as a result had multiple abrasions and bruises. i had an episiotomy as well as a 4 degree tear.

i was instantly in love. my son had been born, as well as myself as a mother. and yet, deep in my heart, i knew there had to be a different way. a way that was more intimate. a way that didn't involve tons of machines and IV'S and medications. i was curious. i was determined. i poured over any research that i could get my hands on, watched documentaries on childbirth, read about other women's birth stories, and watched every natural childbirth video that i could find. i began to learn about the whole world of midwives and their approach to the process. my heart began to change. i began to desire something very different than that first experience. we found out we were expecting our second son when our first was just six months old.

my second birth: while i was being introduced to a whole new world of natural childbirth, i still chose to deliver with a OB-GYN in a hospital because quite frankly, i couldn't find a midwife. we lived in a very small town at the time and while i'm sure there were some there, i did not know of any. my doctor was on board with me having a natural childbirth, but still ended up wanting to induce at 39 weeks due to low amniotic fluid. i was on pitocin again, but was able to deliver unmedicated in every other way. while this experience was in the hospital and under the influence of induction drugs, it was still different enough for me to become hooked. i was able to feel everything. i was able to listen to my body and truly feel as if i was connected to the experience. my relationship with God was deepened almost to the point that there are no words to explain it. i shared in suffering and had the most euphoric flood of emotions as i delivered my son.

i had a taste of this incredible, out of this world, euphoria, but knew that there was more. that i wanted to go a few steps further into the natural childbirth realm. i wanted to feel my body go into labor on its own. i wanted to be nurtured through the experience in a way that a midwife can, but a doctor cannot. i wanted more.

my third birth: by the time we were expecting our third son, we had moved to a much larger city. i knew i wanted to deliver with a midwife this time, but was still unsure about delivering outside of the hospital. in some ways, i was still allowing the kind concerns of others and a twinge of my own fear to dictate my decisions. so i ended up finding a midwife who was a CNP, worked in a practice of OB-GYN's and delivered at the hospital. she got me though. she was 100% on board with my desire to have a completely unmedicated birth and was wonderful through the whole process. i was able to go into labor on my own right at 41 weeks and delivered without medication. it was beautiful. i felt strong, capable, empowered more than i ever had before. i soared on a cloud of euphoria and wanted to have the experience over and over again. and yet, there were still the small but present fingertips of modern medicine on my birth. there were the plethora of nurses in and out, a group of about five students watching in the final stages of delivery, no option for water birth in this particular hospital, and some infringement on my alone time with baby afterwards. i had also experienced a significant halt in my labor after we made the transition from home to the hospital that i am convinced would not have happened had i not had to travel anywhere.

it was official, i was in love. in love with natural childbirth. in love with feeling all of the pain with all of the glory. in love with witnessing my body miraculously deliver my sweet babies into my arms and heart. in love with the spiritual experience that each of my births have been.

my fourth birth: i am currently 29 weeks with our baby girl. i found a few midwives early on that i knew i wanted to walk this journey with. they had the option of delivering at a birth center or doing a home birth. for several reasons...the primary one being that ricky preferred the birth center route...we chose to go with the birth center. i was ok with this, but when ricky came to me a few weeks ago with a changed heart about home birth, i was quick to want to make the change. we are currently set to have a home birth sometime around early july and i am eager to walk forward into this new journey. the next 10 or so weeks will be spent preparing my heart and my mind for this beautiful act. i am ready. ready to see all that God has for us in this decision.

i am sure i will write more about all of this in the weeks to come, as my heart prepares to meet my girl.

linking up with sara at a mama's story, sarah at my joy filled life, and casey.