a hospital stay.

my husband and i often find ourselves sitting on our couch after all the babies are tucked in and sleeping soundly, sharing about all the things that we see in our children.
the qualities that we admire, the character that is developing.
they strength that they embody and the gifts that fill us with pride and hope.

we love these little people more than life, yes, but there's more. we admire them.
we respect their growth and are inspired by their resiliency.
we are challenged by their innocence and convicted by their faith.
we are encouraged by their unwavering hope and ability to hold on to peace.
their bravery continually astounds us.

on wednesday night, our oldest started to have a mild asthma flare up. by early thursday morning it was clear that the flare up was becoming more than we could manage at home. a trip to the ER turned into a 36 hour hospital stay in order to get Kale back to where he needed to be to come home.

while i hated to see his health compromised, and my mama heart hurt for him more than words can say, i was filled with gratitude for a son who is clearly a fighter. who is determined to stay positive and choose bravery and courage over fear and anxiety.

and the silver lining of all was the sweetest 36 hour window with just me and my boy. we ordered all of his favorite foods, worked our way through an entire spiderman activity book, built a rocketship to fly around the room, played countless rounds of tic-tac-toe and snuggled up to the coziness of disney marathons.

i am incredibly thankful for the person that Kale is.
and for his health and his character and his spirit. he is truly one of my favorites of all time.

xx

a portrait and some thoughts.

while my presence from this little space has been completely absent for the past several months, life has been filled to the brim.

with hoards of rainy days spent indoors, snuggling and building forts.

with spring time adventures, gardening and trips to the park.

with a handful of weekend trips to visit family.

with cousins being born and a family reunion of sorts.

with sweet baby chub and kisses galore.

life has been incredibly slow and yet gone in an instant.

as it disappears right through my fingers, i am enjoying every last drop as well as i possible can.

because babies, children, simply don't keep.

i am learning a lot about myself during this season of motherhood.

things that i hope begin to pour themselves onto these pages once more, so that i can be reminded of them when these days are no longer.

i am highly sentimental.

a feeler of the deepest kind.

emotional.

and boy do i miss writing.

xoxo.

a portrait // vol. 1

i am going to try to keep up this year with doing a portrait each week of the kids.

i am already getting a late start, so will try to play catch up this week!

to start us off, a little christmas edition. :) 

*****************

// kale //

Christmas was so fun with you this year. 

you were right there next to me wanting to watch all the christmas movies, go christmas shopping for your siblings, and drive around to see the christmas lights. on christmas day, you got a few different kinds of punching bags and were ecstatic!  

but more than all the christmas fuss, my heart completely exploded this year, as you "got it." 

you got the reason we even celebrate christmas, and were just as excited about that, as any gift giving, movie watching, tree decorating moments.

and this, my sweet boy, was the best gift in the world, for this adoring mama.

// madden //

you, my child, were so very fun to surprise!

i made you and your brothers a "super-hero" pillow that you can use when we watch movies, or take with us camping.

while i had tried to hide them in your daddy's closet, you managed to steal a peak and were seriously ecstatic. we decided to give them to you on christmas eve as your one present, and you started running and jumping, and showering me with all kinds of hugs and 'thank yous'...even before you opened the present!

seeing your face light up with joy truly is my happiness. 

// tobin //

out of all the little goodies you received, you were pretty keen on this little dog. it was time for your pacifier and bottle to go this week, and while you handled it SO MUCH better than i was expecting, i wanted to get you a new little "lovie."

and i think this puppy was the perfect pick. 

once he was in your arms, you weren't all that interested in opening any other presents. haha.

not to mention, you are still kinda at the point where the wrapping paper is just as fun as whats inside.

// ellis //

this was your FIRST christmas, my love, and i had way too much fun dressing you up like my own little piece of christmas candy!!

i sure am enjoying all of these 'firsts' with you and am savoring all of the pure delight that you bring to each occasion.

i can only imagine the fun we will have next year, sweet girl. ;) 

a portrait // vol. 3

// kale //

you were so excited for halloween this year. talking for several weeks leading up to it, about who you were going to dress up as.

on the day of, you reminded me that we didn't have any baskets or pails to put your candy in. (oops. ;)) so you and i loaded up for a quick mommy-kale date to pick out some bags for you and your brothers. i treasure my time alone with you.

we talk, hold hands, and enjoy the uninterrupted conversation.

// madden //

you got to go by yourself with daddy to pick out your costume this year.

you wanted iron man or hawk eye, but since we couldn't find a hawk eye costume, iron man it was!

you exhibited such courage and bravery at a little church festival we went to...you and kale climbed up on these huge trampolines and jumped your little hearts out. 

i was actually prepared to wait in the long line only to have you decided you didn't want to do it.

but no sir, you are so confident and eager to try new things.

i can't wait to see all the opportunities this bravery brings you.

// tobin //

my sweet boy. you were our very own modern day hero this year.

while you are still very much our "baby," your independence and adventurous spirit is coming through strong.

you are starting to enjoy dressing up just as much as your brothers do and are wanting to be a part of their play together.

the three of you are thick as thieves, and one of my greatest hopes in life, is that this carries into adulthood. that you always share the strongest of brotherhood bonds.

// ellis //

i had all kinds of little girl costume ideas for you this year. but they were all quickly vetoed the minute your brothers spotted this super-girl costume.

to say they were excited when they spotted it, would be a huge understatement.

if i'm honest, i think they were actually more excited about your costume than any of their own.

girl, i hope you always know just how loved you are by these three brothers.

it is pretty special to watch.

we simply adore you!

a portrait // vol. 2.

// a weekly portrait //

 // kale //

oh boy. you turn 5 this month, and every time i open my mouth to say that, my heart skips a beat. these last five years have been the best years of my life, simply because you have been in them. you teach me new things every single day.

this picture captures you perfectly in so many ways. you are such a detailed, focused, creative, studious, imaginative little boy. you create works of art all day long, and are so 

proud of your creations.

i hope you are always this proud of everything you set your hands and heart to.

i know i will be.  

// madden // 

in some ways, i feel like you have had the hardest time with the transition of a new baby in the home, as well as daddy being super busy again with football season. you have been sneaking out at night after your brothers are asleep, just to have a little extra time alone with mama and daddy. i have also been waking up to you in my bed every morning, snuggled close, asking for a back scratch.

your dad and i are sensitive to this, and will give you as much extra assurance of our love and security as you need.

we will make sure that your love tank is full.

 // tobin //

you are dressed in your pj's, all ready for bed. it never fails that if you are around when i am emptying the dishwasher, you will be right there, ready to help. we have deemed the silverware as your job. you know exactly which drawer they go in and are so careful to walk every single piece over to their exact place. it usually takes you just as long to do the silverware, as it does for me to empty everything else, so it works out perfect.

you and i are such a good team. 

// ellis //

you, my dear, are the cuddliest little dream ever. i always have a hard time picking pictures of you because i take a ridiculous amount each day. i can't help it, though. you are simply divine.

i love this picture because of your delicious cheeks. i can't even handle how kissable they are!

you absolutely love baths, which i give to you in the mornings, with the morning light streaming in on you. i'm starting to think you will be a lover of the water, just like your mama.

kindred spirits, we are. 

a portrait // vol. 1

i'm sure many of you have heard about the 52 project...

where people take a portrait of their children, once a week, every week for a year.

not only am i coming in rather late, but i will also probably only post sporadically, since, lets be honest, thats how i seem to roll these days. ;)

--------------------------

// a weekly portrait //

 kale // you love to wear anything super-hero related. even if it means wearing pajama shirts that are two sizes too small because they make you feel strong and "hero-like." i love this about you.

you also love building and creating things. in this picture, you were securing a rope from one side of the playroom, to the other, using variety of different toys and knots that i didn't even know you knew how to tie. the rope was for your ninja turtle to swing across. 

madden // i never even try to keep you clean while you are outside...getting dirty and exploring the earth around you is one of the places you are most comfortable. your creative juices start flowing and you start imagining adventures for you and your brothers to go on together. i'm pretty sure you fought off some bears on this particular day. i hope you never lose your wild and free spirit.

tobin // in order to survive the summer heat, any outdoor play usually involves water and "pop-ices"...two of your favorite things. i still have to keep you as clothed as possible because of your eczema and dry skin...if not, you would sit and scratch yourself non-stop. it breaks my heart for you, baby boy. and i pray every day that you outgrow it or are completely healed. for now, though, you are quite the trooper and one tough cookie. 

ellis // you are yawning the cutest little yawn as you are being drenched in the morning light.

i love mornings with you. you are always so bright-eyed and content.

i get asked by almost everyone how "we" (you and I) are sleeping as you are just now four weeks old. and my response every time is that we are sleeping great. and i truly believe it is because you stay curled in next to me the whole night long, nestled in tight, able to eat whenever you please. for us, co-sleeping...you and i together...works. nights are one of my favorite times with you too. so i guess it isn't really possible to pick a favorite.

feelings.

It is both a blessing

And a curse

To feel everything

So very deeply.

d.j.

i am, at my core, a feeler. i have always been able to identify my feelings pretty accurately...and have never shied away from being well acquainted with them, lingering in them for times, allowing them to teach me...i enjoy being introspective. i am an introvert by nature, so sitting alone with my feelings from time to time is crucial. it is here that i am able to get to know myself deeper.

it has been difficult to find the time or emotional energy to sit with the bouquet of feelings that have graced my heart since having Ellis. they are so real, so raw, so intense, and so varied, that i can easily get carried away by the beauty of them. not all of the feelings are easy to feel, but still so very necessary...just as each thread contributes to the strength of a woven blanket.

so yes, i am choosing to feel all the feelings.

i have never felt more certain and content than i do in the moments with Ellis asleep on my chest. this is exactly where i am supposed to be. this is the role i would choose over and over to fill. i am her mama, and she is my child. and together we will grow as two separate souls whose hearts learned to beat together.

i feel alive and free and playful as i watch my first three babies get lost in an imaginary world together. they remind me to pay attention to the innocence and creativity within myself. to stop and enjoy a moment of pretend. to be filled with wonder and awe as we all discover this world together.

i sometimes feel uneasy and weary as i think of things i wish i could do differently. or as i reflect on little moments in my days that i wish i could do over. and then i feel such grace and comfort and security when my Tobin comes and curls up in my lap without any intention of leaving,
or when ricky and i linger in a hug as if we are the only two people in the world.
when Madden melts into me after feeling his own big feelings, knowing i am a safe place to express.
when Kale brings me a flower that he has picked and tells me i'm beautiful.
when Ellis ceases to cry the minute she is in my arms.

i am sad and tearful at times when i think back to each of my babies in the first few weeks of meeting them. sad that those sweet moments and memories have been lived. acutely aware of how fleeting this life really is, with a new resolve birthed deep within to treasure and hold dear each and every moment i am given with my four. i sometimes beg for time to stand still, but know in my soul that the best is yet to come.

i feel serene and relaxed in my own mama skin...more confident than ever, in who i most naturally am as a mother. having this fourth little soul confirms yet again that being a mama is the most natural thing in the world for me. it isn't forced or contrived. knowing how to meet Ellis's needs is as much a part of me as knowing how to breath or sleep or laugh. and i am incredibly at peace here...caring for and listening to my new baby.

i feel incredibly tender, and satisfied. the amount of unconditional love that is poured over me each and every day is more than i can fully grasp and far greater than what i deserve. the gratefulness that i feel is incredibly humbling...for there is nothing i could have done, to earn such love in my life. i linger here most often, for it is out of the love i receive each and every day, that i am inspired to grow and learn and change.

i am feeling all of these and so much more.

xo.

confessions of a new mom to four...

it is important to know that i am a firm advocate of new moms taking things extremely slow after the arrival of a new baby...of getting ample rest, and allowing others to serve them through tending to the home and other life demands. however, since my sweet E came a full two weeks late, my mom was only able to stay for two days after she was born and my dear husband had to start back to work exactly one week after E's birth. this meant that on this last monday morning, i suddenly found myself alone in my house with four children ages four and under. i must have sat on the couch for a full thirty minutes with a newborn on my breast and three boys cramming to get as close to her as possible, before the reality of it all really hit me. i simply laughed.

for the most part, life truly is all rainbows and sunshine, pretty bows and magic in the air, adoring brothers and hearts that might truly explode from all the love...BUT...things can go from rainbows to harried in a minute flat, giving ricky and i ample moments to laugh about at the end of the day as we sit exhausted on the couch.

i want to be able to look back someday and smile as i remember all the goodness and chaos mixed up into one exciting season. because lets be honest, i would not trade a single moment during this last week for the world!!!!!!

so, here are a few of my mommy confessions from my first week flying solo with my new little crew of four...

i have not at all figured out when or how to cook. thankfully my mom left us with a stocked fridge that we have managed to make stretch as long as possible, but for the most part, i have resorted to throwing fruit snacks and bowls of goldfish at the boys...with a few pieces of real fruit mixed in. they, of course, haven't complained at all, but i know i will have to figure out this whole cooking thing eventually. until then, who wants another popsicle?!

my midwives left me with strict instructions to do no heavy housework or lifting for several weeks postpartum...i had a great delivery, but they are wonderful advocates of mothers allowing themselves ample time to heal before getting back into the swing of things. i am trying...trust me. and from the looks of my house, i'm sure you would believe me. but then there are those tasks that i simply cannot avoid...like carrying my mud-covered 40+ lb. 3yr old through the house and throwing him into the shower to clean off...there is always the faint whisper in the back of my head..."i'm pretty sure my midwives would not approve of this one." bless them!

i've seriously thought about putting all three boys down for a nap at 9:30 in the morning...only to muscle my way through to a slightly later 11:30a.m. this ultimately does not work in my favor as i am then ready to do baths and bed time at 5:15p.m. i know our "new normal" will set in eventually and until then, i am just grateful for boys who still take some pretty impressive naps.

my sweet boys have lived in their wide variety of super hero pj's for the last three days. but don't worry, Ellis is in a new outfit and hair band at least three or four times throughout the day. hehe. i kid a little here, but seriously, how fun is dressing a girl?!

ricky txted me to see how our morning was going, and a mere minute after txting him that things were great, i sent him this txt: "although since sending that, madden snuck outside and covered himself in mud and is now in the shower, Ellis blew out her diaper, tobin is yelling at me from his chair at the table because i forgot to actually give him his food after strapping him in, and kale is thankfully demanding nothing at the moment."

in order to continue resting myself, my crew and i have watched an embarrassing amount of disney movies and doc mcstuffins over the last several days. i would probably cringe if i tried to add up the hours so i won't do that...instead, i can confidently say that our "snuggle tanks" are more than full and we can now all recite "the incredibles" and "monsters university" verbatim. that's a win-win in my book! ;)

i know we will eventually get into a groove and i will have figured out how to fit in cooking and getting us all dressed, but until then, we are embracing this fun and crazy ride and i am enjoying Ellis's newborn days to the fullest...i am currently drinking in her smell as she sleeps on my chest and we soak in the silence of nap time...and in a few short hours, we will be soaking in more laughter and little boy cuddles than we know what to do with.

what a full, blessed life this is.

(and because i am slightly obsessed with my girl, here are few pics of the hundreds that i took just yesterday alone...wink)

xoxoxo.

family fun activities: a link up!

hello everyone!

i feel like i have been m.i.a. from this little space for far too long...now that we FINALLY have internet again i am hoping to get back into a blogging groove. :)

we are still waiting on our sweet girl to grace us with her presence.

i am just shy of 41 weeks and am trying my hardest to be patient, but am about to go crazy with the anticipation of it all!!

in the meantime, we have been filling up our time with lots of family fun activities and soaking up every bit of summer.

i've decided to share two of our top favorites this summer: splash pad/park fun and family games.

even though the texas summer heat can get pretty brutal, we try to be outside as much as possible and splash pads have become a favorite of ours this summer.

when the heat does get to be a bit unbearable, the boys are quick to want to play games...two of their favorites are Sequence for kids and Barnyard Uno.

i can't wait to see all of your fun family activities. don't forget to link up your posts below!

An InLinkz Link-up