a playlist.

music is the language of the soul.

"all deep things are song. it seems somehow, the very central essence of us, song; as if all the rest were but wrappages and hulls."

thomas carlyle.

throughout each of my natural deliveries, listening to music has been central to my experience.

i have listened to very different playlists throughout each labor, and i somehow land on the playlist that i labor to several weeks out from delivery.

as the time to usher my baby into our arms draws near, i usually start listening to music every night as i drift off to sleep.

and during those nights, i end up forming a list of songs that speak to me. that i am able to draw strength and peace from. that sing truth over me. 

i was asked by several people to share the music that i listened to while laboring with ellis, so i thought i would share it here.

each song holds such dear, sacred memories for me.

enjoy.

xoxo.

a beginning. a new life. a birth story.

// photos and video by emma j photo //

i struggle with knowing how to write a birth story. on one hand, it is one of those human experiences that can only be experienced and felt, a testament to the realization once again of one being truly alive. and on the other hand, it is begging to be articulated...so that others may bear witness to God's perfect sovereignty. and so that i may be transported back to the memories for years to come.

here i sit, listening to the playlist that i labored to, trying to articulate an experience that is other worldly...entirely intoxicating to me.

a song. a smell. so many little reminders can transport me back to the night that her journey began. to the morning and moments surrounding her birth. surrounding my birth as a mama yet again. the memories start to stir and swell until i am consumed by a rush of pure love.

i wrote over here a little about the waiting period for ellis. her perfect time was not until i was 42 weeks pregnant and there were some days that i had to wrestle with anxiousness as i anticipated her arrival. and now that the wait is over, there are times that i miss being pregnant. that i miss her being a part of me and having my body filled, literally, with life. with a new beginning, comes the end of something...the end of knowing her in my womb, is the beginning of knowing her as an entity separate from me. she is my heart, forever walking outside my body.

this is the beginning of witnessing her beautiful, enlightened, spiritual life. i am so honored to be hers.

the very first signs of true labor started to show themselves in the afternoon hours of the sunday before my 42 week appointment. i knew deep in my heart that i was having those true contractions that i had waited so long to feel...and yet they were sporadic and pretty spread out. i simply started to let ricky know when they came so that we could start to track them. and other than that, i went on with my day as normal...cared for our boys, laughed with my mom and emma, shared the sweetest glances with ricky, where we told each other so much without saying a word. we knew. we knew in our hearts that we were about to meet our girl.

around 7:00p.m., the contractions started to pick up in their frequency, showing a slight pattern, but still nothing to get super excited about. slow and steady seemed to be the name of the game. after putting the boys to bed, we watched a few episodes of the Mindy Project and then i decided to go take the first of many baths that i would take throughout the night. contractions were averaging around four minutes apart, so at 11:00 i txted my midwife just to give her a heads up. her response, "its baby day!" she encouraged me to try to get some rest and to let her know when i would like her to come.

from 11:00p.m. to 6:00a.m, i alternated between taking warm baths, standing and swaying beside my bed, and laying on my side with ricky lightly scratching my back through contractions. at times, i was able to drift off to sleep in the minutes between contractions. it was beautiful. some of the most sacred moments of my life. the house was still and quiet...everyone was at peace and resting.

music is a powerful worship experience for me. as is childbirth. so it only makes sense that for me, they would go hand in hand. i had a playlist prepared prior to labor that i would listen to and pray though before going to sleep each night. i listened to this playlist, along with the entire Bethel music, Tides album. I'm pretty sure I listened to Oceans by Hillsong, and For the Cross by Bethel Music easily 15 times each. being in such a worshipful state of mind, allowed for my heart, my soul, my mind and my body to remain calm and at peace.

by 6:00 a.m., my contractions were still spaced the same, but definitely picking up in intensity. i txted my midwives that i was ready for them to come and they arrived around 7:00 a.m. ricky began filling the birth pool. the house was beginning to stir so the boys came in to say hi, all while the morning light poured into our bedroom. i smiled as i had secretly wanted the final stages of my labor and delivery to take place in the morning light, one of my most favorite times of the day.

i decided to have my midwife check me at this point (the first time i was checked throughout my entire pregnancy.), and while we were all a bit concerned that i would barely be dilated, i was actually dilated to a 7 at this point. we laughed because my labor had been relatively slow and very manageable, so i didn't even really think any progress was happening. my heart rejoiced because i knew we were close. so very close to welcoming her into our arms.

at this point, i spent most of the time in the birthing pool. while i have had two prior natural births, this was my first in the water...and i would do it in the water every. single. time. i LOVED it! my contractions were still spaced pretty far, never really coming close like i anticipated they would...her birth was so different form my others in this regard. my water had also not broken, so we continued to wait and labor peacefully. my midwife prefers not to ever break the water, but after a few strong contractions, and being dilated to a 9/9.5, we decided to go ahead and break my water. my body started to push on the very next contraction. (ricky had actually stepped out of the room to do something with the boys, so they ran to get him real quick!)

while time stands still for me throughout the entire birth, it most definitely does while i am pushing. it is the most amazing out of body experience. i remember having a single moment of panic when i felt the intensity of the surges and thought back to my other pushing experiences (all were 1.5 - 2 hours long). i had to gear myself up, thinking this one would be just as long. i wasn't sure what position my body would be drawn to push in, but it quickly made up its mind on its own, as i found myself on my knees at the side of the pool, buried in ricky's arms. these surges felt so much stronger to me, and we would later realize why. ellis had her little hand up by her face, making for a slightly more intense pushing session. but after 20 glorious minutes, i delivered my girl and pulled her to my chest, as pure ecstasy rushed over me.

this moment right here is my favorite part of natural childbirth. it is purely delicious. the rush of hormones and emotions are intoxicating. i melted into it. allowed the moment to consume me. she was in my arms. this beautiful soul that i have know in my heart forever was looking into my eyes. our connection was electric, instant, so very strong.

this. this right here is the beauty found in the midst of and through pain. this is the joy that comes from sharing in suffering. this is the love that will inspire you to sacrifice everything. the depth of the pain, matches the depth of the love and joy. it is truly addicting and draws me into a more intimate depth with my God. on its deepest level, childbirth is spiritual. and i am humbled and grateful most in this moment, to experience it.

the rest of the day was purely magical, as has every day been since this soul was given to us earth side.

// our birth video //

feathering my nest.

nesting has taken on an entirely different depth this time around for me.

for my other three babies, i definitely experienced that rush of adrenaline as i created a space in our home for our newest addition. i would dream, change things in our home, make sure everything we needed was ready for our baby, do some deep cleaning...i would simply invest a little extra attention to making our home one of peace and comfort.

however, all of this was geared towards life after we brought the baby home. never towards creating a space to actually birth my baby. a space to go through my entire labor process. a space to bring life into this world, into our lives.

feathering my nest looks different this time around.

knowing that i will spend the majority of my labor and delivery process in our bedroom, i have spent hours dreaming in this space. preparing myself spiritually, emotionally and physically to look into the face of my girl for the first time. i have let music fill the air, drinking in the euphoria of creating a space filled with joy and strength and beauty.

there is already such a deepened sense of intimacy knowing we will be in the comfort of our own home for the first precious moments after Ellis's birth. i am overwhelmed with thoughts of the peace and purity that will be present to welcome her very first cries.

yes, while feathering my nest has still involved the typical preparation of cleaning, decorating, and making sure everything is in order, it has gone beyond that to involve the spiritual act of preparing to give birth.

my heart and nest are ready.

ready to welcome my girl, my heart.

30 weeks!

baby girl is 30 weeks now and as every one that i came in contact this last week has said, she has definitely "popped" on out there. :) and indeed she has!

every day is one day closer to getting to meet my sweet girl, and while a part of me wants to wish the days away, another part is soaking up every moment with her inside. i love the bond i share with my babies when they are still connected to me...in a way, it is just me and her. we share everything and while everyone else is obviously aware of her existence, it is me who gets to feel every movement, carry her soul within the safety of my womb, and truly know the little person she is becoming. i know this probably sounds weird, but there is always a fleeting moment after each of my babies has been born that i miss them being inside of me...i miss when it was just me and them. but then i look down at the beauty in my arms and can't imagine what it was like without them staring back at me. :)

other than her obvious growth, there really isn't a whole lot new going on with the pregnancy. as i mentioned in my last post, we have switched from a birth center birth to a home birth, so i have been doing lots of thinking, praying, video watching, and music listening in preparation for that time. i get those giddy butterflies in my stomach when i think about it. 

i have had a harder time fitting exercise in lately which i need to remedy stat! when ricky is home in the evenings is when i usually try to fit it in, but the excitement of life with three little boys right now has me plumb worn out by the time the evenings roll around. as of late, i have been opting for the "sit on the couch and zone out" kind of night. :) i'm hoping to set into motion a renewed commitment to exercising this week!

before i go try to kick my butt into gear, 

here 

here

here

and here are a few of my favorite home birth videos for your viewing pleasure...if you enjoy that kind of thing, of course. ;) i for one, can't seem to get enough! (and most definitely cried in every single one ;))

our journey to choosing a home birth.

** this is 100% my own personal experience, a glimpse into my journey...and i will only be touching the very surface of all that is wrapped up into this topic and experience for me. i think that each and every way a sweet baby comes into this world is a miracle and entirely beautiful.

childbirth is an experience that has obviously been present throughout time and in every culture and society. it is a beautiful act of enduring suffering and sacrifice so that life can be birthed. over the years, i have become enamored with this life-changing act and my relationship with it as a woman has evolved through each of my own birth experiences.

five years ago, i was preparing for the birth of my first child. i was in school full time, working two jobs and traveling back and forth between two cities to be with ricky as much as possible (he was in school full time as well, but in a different city.) to say there was a lot going on in my life would be an understatement. i was distracted; easily influenced by the current medical model for childbirth. while i though the idea of natural childbirth sounded great, i entered into the experience completely naive and without much resolve.

so, my first birth: induced for no real medical reason at 40 weeks and six days. on pitocin. had an epidural. pushed for two and a half hours. baby born with the assistance of a vacuum and as a result had multiple abrasions and bruises. i had an episiotomy as well as a 4 degree tear.

i was instantly in love. my son had been born, as well as myself as a mother. and yet, deep in my heart, i knew there had to be a different way. a way that was more intimate. a way that didn't involve tons of machines and IV'S and medications. i was curious. i was determined. i poured over any research that i could get my hands on, watched documentaries on childbirth, read about other women's birth stories, and watched every natural childbirth video that i could find. i began to learn about the whole world of midwives and their approach to the process. my heart began to change. i began to desire something very different than that first experience. we found out we were expecting our second son when our first was just six months old.

my second birth: while i was being introduced to a whole new world of natural childbirth, i still chose to deliver with a OB-GYN in a hospital because quite frankly, i couldn't find a midwife. we lived in a very small town at the time and while i'm sure there were some there, i did not know of any. my doctor was on board with me having a natural childbirth, but still ended up wanting to induce at 39 weeks due to low amniotic fluid. i was on pitocin again, but was able to deliver unmedicated in every other way. while this experience was in the hospital and under the influence of induction drugs, it was still different enough for me to become hooked. i was able to feel everything. i was able to listen to my body and truly feel as if i was connected to the experience. my relationship with God was deepened almost to the point that there are no words to explain it. i shared in suffering and had the most euphoric flood of emotions as i delivered my son.

i had a taste of this incredible, out of this world, euphoria, but knew that there was more. that i wanted to go a few steps further into the natural childbirth realm. i wanted to feel my body go into labor on its own. i wanted to be nurtured through the experience in a way that a midwife can, but a doctor cannot. i wanted more.

my third birth: by the time we were expecting our third son, we had moved to a much larger city. i knew i wanted to deliver with a midwife this time, but was still unsure about delivering outside of the hospital. in some ways, i was still allowing the kind concerns of others and a twinge of my own fear to dictate my decisions. so i ended up finding a midwife who was a CNP, worked in a practice of OB-GYN's and delivered at the hospital. she got me though. she was 100% on board with my desire to have a completely unmedicated birth and was wonderful through the whole process. i was able to go into labor on my own right at 41 weeks and delivered without medication. it was beautiful. i felt strong, capable, empowered more than i ever had before. i soared on a cloud of euphoria and wanted to have the experience over and over again. and yet, there were still the small but present fingertips of modern medicine on my birth. there were the plethora of nurses in and out, a group of about five students watching in the final stages of delivery, no option for water birth in this particular hospital, and some infringement on my alone time with baby afterwards. i had also experienced a significant halt in my labor after we made the transition from home to the hospital that i am convinced would not have happened had i not had to travel anywhere.

it was official, i was in love. in love with natural childbirth. in love with feeling all of the pain with all of the glory. in love with witnessing my body miraculously deliver my sweet babies into my arms and heart. in love with the spiritual experience that each of my births have been.

my fourth birth: i am currently 29 weeks with our baby girl. i found a few midwives early on that i knew i wanted to walk this journey with. they had the option of delivering at a birth center or doing a home birth. for several reasons...the primary one being that ricky preferred the birth center route...we chose to go with the birth center. i was ok with this, but when ricky came to me a few weeks ago with a changed heart about home birth, i was quick to want to make the change. we are currently set to have a home birth sometime around early july and i am eager to walk forward into this new journey. the next 10 or so weeks will be spent preparing my heart and my mind for this beautiful act. i am ready. ready to see all that God has for us in this decision.

i am sure i will write more about all of this in the weeks to come, as my heart prepares to meet my girl.

linking up with sara at a mama's story, sarah at my joy filled life, and casey.

26 weeks

i meant to post my 26 week update yesterday, but the ole stomach flu decided to visit me again so i was a little preoccupied between going back and forth between the couch and the bathroom all day. it was awful to say the least. i am feeling much better today, but still only have the energy level of a sloth. 

baby girl is growing tons right now, and moving all the time. bonding with her and dreaming of her life is one of my favorite things.

i have been practicing yoga pretty frequently throughout this pregnancy, but that has definitely increased lately. it is one of those things that is usually hard for me to find the time to do, but i find myself looking to make the time. i feel the best combination of being relaxed and energized afterwards and the stillness of it all provides such sweet connection time with my girl.

there honestly isn't a whole lot changing right now. we are both healthy (other than the random stomach flu) and according to my midwives, everything is progressing very nicely.

here's to 26 weeks!

linking up with sarah at my joy filled life.

Elle's room inspiration

sources: fabrics, crib, rug, letters, chair, joy print, elephant print,

personalized pillow, light fixture.

i have a long way to go to get Ellis's room ready, but came up with a little inspiration board to keep me focused.

i already have the crib, rug, a similar dresser and curtains (not pictured) that i will be 

using in her room.

i am in love with the IKEA chair as it is, but recently came across a post on apartment therapy changing the IKEA Strandmon wing chair into a rocking chair...i haven't officially decided yet, but i just might have big project plans for Ricky. ;)

the four fabrics (along with a few other solid fabrics) will be used to make crib sheets, a crib skirt, pillows and a few blankets. 

i seriously cannot wait to get that sweet little pillow with Ellis Rose across the top and all her birth details. i get so giddy every time i think about meeting her!

xoxo.

24 weeks: currently.

thinking about: my oldest. being pregnant always causes me to go back and reminisce. my oldest is four now and with each passing day baby-hood is left farther and farther behind as he takes on being a boy. i must admit, he wears it well. our boys wander into our bed pretty frequently, but sometimes my husband and i will go scoop up one of the boys while they are fast asleep and bring them to bed to ourselves to snuggle with us. last night was one of those nights with our oldest. as he slept next to us, we both remembered...we remembered him as a newborn who slept on our chests more than anywhere else...him as a baby, when he was our only one...him as toddler, filling our days with his serious and fun-loving nature. i miss him pretty intensely sometimes...at all of those different stages. but i sure am smitten by the little boy i am getting to meet and experience during this new season. 

reading: i wish i could say something good here, but if i am honest, reading seems to get pushed aside by so many other things right now. i do have multiple children's book memorized though. :) those i have tons of time to read. 

listening to: this song and this song on repeat. they both make me feel...i can't wait to introduce my sweet baby E to music. to the language of our souls. 

thankful for: my girl growing inside. for feeling her movements, her growth. for carrying her for these precious weeks and months. for the friendship we will have, for the life she will live. i am overwhelmed by it all...

linking up with a mama collective, a mama's story, and babies and beyond. 

essential oils and pregnancy.

i have had this post floating around in my head for a while now, especially since i am over that half way mark of my pregnancy and not only using various oils for different reasons, but starting to prepare physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually for the labor/delivery process.

there is truly so much information out there about essential oils and specifically essential oils during pregnancy. so, i have chosen to highlight only a few of the common issues and some of the suggested oils. as a general consensus, oils are considered safe for pregnancy when they are in their purest form and have not been adulterated with other ingredients, when they are a true therapeutic grade oil, when they are diluted and applied externally, and when they are used in moderation. my midwives actually gave me an entire handout on essential oils that they provide for pregnant mamas. they definitely encourage their use, with respect and moderation of course.

that being said, some single oils to avoid during pregnancy are: Basil, birch, calamus, cassia, cinnamon bark, hyssop, Idaho tansy, laurel, lavandin, mountain savory, mugwort, rosemary, thyme, sage, tarragon, wintergreen. oils to use cautiously during pregnancy: Angelica, cedarwood, chamomile (German/blue), cistus, citronella, clary sage, clove bud, cumin (black), cypress, davana, fennel, laurel, marjoram, mountain savory, myrrh, nutmeg, oregano, peppermint, rose, spearmint, vetiver, yarrow.

when using essential oils pregnant, it is recommended to dilute each oil...a good rule of thumb is 1-2 drops of essential oils with a 1/2-1tsp of a carrier oil. common carrier oils include fractionated coconut oil (my favorite), olive oil, avocado oil, or almond oils. 

energy: Citris Bliss is a very invigorating and energizing blend. it can be applied topically or added to bath water and can also assist with postpartum depression. Another recommendation is to add 2 drops of Roman Chamomile, 2 drops of Geranium and 2 drops of Lavender to 2 tsp of a carrier oil and massage into the skin.

morning sickness: Ginger and Peppermint are both great for morning sickness. Dilute and apply 1-3 drops to on ears, down jaw bone and on reflex points on the feet. Diffuse the oils as well. Digestzen is another common oil for morning sickness, as well heart burn, food poisoning, the flu, and to add in after birth constipation. Simply dilute and massage into skin. Diffusing Peppermint or Grapefruit when you wake up in the morning may help to reduce overall nausea.

anxiety/tension: some recommendations are Lavender, Ylang Ylang, Melissa, and Myrrh. Diffuse or dilute and rub on back of neck, temples, chest, shoulders, back or reflex points on the feet. Balance is a blend that can aid in relieving nervousness and assist in emotional release. (and can even be diluted and massaged along a newborn's spine and bottoms of feet to aid in the release of the trauma of birth!) Serenity also helps with anxiety and promoting restful sleep, diffused or diluted and applied topically.

water retention and swelling: Lemon diluted and applied topically can be used for swelling...it is known as "liquid sunshine!" you can also dilute Lemon, Geranium, Ginger and Lavender and add to a roller bottle and roll on ankles and feet, especially at the end of the day. when massaging into the feet, massage in a upward movement towards the heart.  

low back pain/pressure and leg pain: Deep Blue and Aroma Touch can be used for massage. for sciatica, you can apply 1-3 drops diluted to the area in pain. Geranium is another recommended oil. 

labor (during): Clary Sage (along with Fennel) can be applied around ankles or on abdomen. you only want to use Clary Sage after 39 weeks! 

labor (after): Lavender or Geranium can be diluted and applied to the bottoms of feet, ankles and abdomen.

hemorrhaging: apply 1-3 drops of Helichrysum to the lower back to help prevent hemorrhaging. in addition, Helichrysum can help prepare nipples for nursing, reduce discomforts of abdominal stretching, and to regenerate skin and avoid scarring/stretch marks. 

delivery: Lavender or Clary Sage can be diluted and massaged onto hips, bottom of feet or abdomen. 

self-love: Elevation is a joyful blend that can be diffused into the air, applied topically or added to bath water. it is a wonderful oil to aid in postpartum depression as well. 

if i were to pick a few of my personal favorite oils to use during this pregnancy, they would be: 
Lavender to help with restful sleep, to promote healthy circulation, and to promote an overall calmness so that my body is a peaceful home for my girl. 
Frankincense is one of my favorite oils and while i use it for a wide variety of things, i know it will be especially useful to aid in the healing of inflammation after birth and for my baby specifically as she makes the transition to earth. 
Deep Blue for sore muscles...i'm sure i will also use it to aid with back labor as well as to soothe after-birth pains. 

**the information shared is purely from personal experience and research, and is not meant to be used to diagnose, treat, prescribe any disease, illness or injury. seek professional medical attention for disease, illness or injury.

**references and additional resources can be found here, here and here. 

22 weeks!

we are sitting comfortably at 22 weeks right now. some days i feel like the weeks are flying by, and on others, i feel like they are creeeeeeping on ever so slowly and meeting my girl seems like a very distant dream. i am definitely more aware of sweet E, as you can see she has finally decided to stick herself out there. :) i am feeling her a lot more these days too. she moves the most at night, or at least it seems that way. i look forward to being able to lay still every evening to focus on feeling her, bonding with her sweet self, and communicating in our own little way. i have always felt like my babies and i have a strong connection in utero...even if there is a moment in my day that i start to worry, she moves around ever so slightly, just to let me know she's there. :) 

i am definitely carrying Ellis differently than i did the boys. even ricky can tell. :) with the boys, all i literally had was a baby belly, kinda like a basketball stuck under my shirt, but with E, the weight is distributed a little more "all over." i think it is so crazy how you truly can carry babies differently.

the most unpleasant part of this last week was an awful stomach bug that decided to linger for four whole days. stomach bugs while pregnant may be my least favorite thing EVER. thankfully it fell close to the weekend, so Ricky was able to be around to help for most of it. i'm not a big napper (usually because i have so many little tasks demanding my attention) but on saturday, i took two several hour long naps and still went to bed super early. my body was done and demanding rest!

the boys are still as sweet as ever with her...always wanting to give our girl kisses and snuggles.  baby E is one loved little lady.

all in all, we are chugging along quite nicely. 22 weeks down and +/- 18 to go! 

linking up with to the sea.